CAMERON TELLS THE TRUE BLUES WHAT THEY WANT TO HEAR...EVEN IF IT'S GARBAGE

David Cameron has spoken of his love for the "incomparable" United Kingdom, as he set out what he described as a "positive vision" for preserving the union. Cameron hailed the shared history of Scotland and the other nations of the UK building the industrial revolution, fighting two World Wars, creating the NHS and staging the Olympics.

And he dismissed Scottish National Party leader Alex Salmond as a "man without a plan" whose proposals for an independent Scotland were "all over the place".

He told delegates at the Conservative Spring Forum in London: "These four nations. Three colours on the flag. One incomparable United Kingdom. 

Nothing to stop it, Alex

"We love this country and all it stands for - so let's win this referendum for all our futures. Our next big fight: the one to keep our United Kingdom united. Let us set out our positive vision for the future of the UK." (No, we don’t all love this country. Many people live in some kind of hell; many other couldn’t care less about it. Chipping Norton, Dave, is not the whole country!)

Setting out his case for the UK to remain united, the PM asked: "When the future belongs to the innovators, why would we want to put up walls between the bio-engineers in Edinburgh and Cambridge? (Like there isn’t any chance of us working across international borders as we do at the moment with other European states, the USA, Japan and many other countries?)

"When stability and certainty are what brings in investment, why would we break apart one of the oldest and most successful single markets and currencies on the planet?" (We won’t be. We are in a single market. It’s called the EU. Doesn’t Britain sell stuff to and buy stuff from France, Spain and Germany?)

But he said that supporters of the union were fighting for a No vote on September 18 "not just because the UK works - which of course it does - but because we love this country". (Well, it doesn’t work actually and you may love it , Dave; it’s been good to you. Eton, Oxford, parliament, Prime Minister, loads of money, seat in the House of Lords and great pension to look forward to. What’s not to like? You remind me of HRH the Prince of Wales announcing that he felt very privileged to be born British.) 

Keep talking, Dave

Scotland and the rest of the UK have "ties that run rich and deep", said the PM. "Two hundred years ago we were leading the industrial revolution and shaping the world's economic ideas. One hundred years ago young men from the Highlands to the Valleys went to war together, and many fell, together. (We fought with people from other countries too, Dave. It wasn’t just Scotland and England, Wales and NI against the world.)

"Seventy years ago - the D Day landings, the Highlanders running on to the beaches of Northern France to the skirl of the bagpipes. (Patronising git! In almost every conflict in the last 100 years we have fought alongside people from many countries. Let’s not forget the enormous contribution of Commonwealth countries, the Soviet Union and the USA. We…we don’t have to be ruled by the London Tories to fight together.)

"Sixty years ago - building the health service that says no matter where you're from or how much you've got, we will look after you. (Oh please. Given what you are doing to the Health Service even you must have seen mentioning that as a big mistake.)

"And one year ago - the single-tier pension, which says if you've worked hard all your life we will support you - a mark of respect for those who have worked hard all their lives and a symbol of our solidarity on these islands." (Thanks a million. Soon you’ll be 75 before you get it. Scotland will be able to afford pensions… just like Norway, Sweden, Malta, Luxembourg, Switzerland, Iceland, RoI. It’s not exclusively British.  Indeed Britain has the lowest pension in Europe by comparison with average wages.) 

Yep... that's what we like to see... an open mouth

Mr Cameron rejected the argument that flying the flag is wrong and taking pride in Britain's history "vulgar". (Fine. Fly your flag and we will fly ours.)

"I say no," he said. "Head for head we are a people that has influenced and improved the world like no other - and this is what I'll proudly teach my children." (Do you ever mention all the harm you’ve done… you know, all the deaths your governments have cased; all the misery you wrought on people that didn’t want to be herded into reservations, or have bombs dropped on them?)

He cited the UK's democracy and its celebration of injured war veterans in the Olympic torch parade as examples of what made him proud. (Probably the least democratic country in the Western World, with a powerful unelected head of state, unelected house of aristos, churchmen [from one church only] and party funders, and a house with members elected by FPTP, often totally unrepresentative of the votes in their constituency. In particular, Scotland ruled by the Tories by returning one MP?)

"This is what I love about our UK," said Mr Cameron. "The decency. The family. The solidarity”. (What a load of piffle. What you like about it is the way you live at the top of the dung heap.) 

Eton Boys don;t like being crossed, do they

"The health service we built together (what?), the help in hard times we provide together (what?), the starving people around the world that we help feed together, the freedom we fought for together.” (What freedom? Iraq, Afghanistan? And how about the starving people in cities up and down the country queuing up at food banks and soup kitchens? The help we provide for the disabled and the sick, thanks to Ian Duncan Smith and Atos? Is that the help you’re talking about? Obviously you’ve never been  a recipient of the kind of help that drives you to kill yourself.)

Mr Salmond's desire to have independence while keeping the pound was "like someone asking for a divorce and then saying 'but do you mind if I keep the joint bank account and credit card?'," said Mr Cameron. (No, it wasn’t you economic illiterate. It was common sense. Have you seen the article in the Herald?) 

Respect! Or not.

And he added: "Alex Salmond talks about having a plan for Scotland... yes - he's on draft 83. (No, he’s not, but as circumstances change, the plan changes. It’s called government. You’d know nothing about it.)

"The reality is, he is a man without a plan - and let's be bold in saying it." (No. He’s not, and you know that. For a man without a plan he’s got us to more or less neck and neck… And since you mention it, your plan is, erm …what exactly?)

Needless to say in a reply Nicola Sturgeon rubbished everything he said, much more expertly than I did.